Image created by Ez
This morning I read this post by Jenna, inspired by this post by Ez.
Apparently during the week, a whole movement of bloggers was raised in favor of being more open and honest in the blog world after this little big post was written by Jess Constable. Because we see so many beautiful things posted by beautiful people living beautiful lives all over the internet that it’s easy to feel like a tiny or not so tiny bit of a failure at times.
And I’m first in line when it comes to posting picture after picture of the corners of my home that I love and look pretty, and the nice cake I baked and the nice day I had walking around springy Paris. Because it makes me feel good.
But this is such an itsy bitsy part of me.
My life, although amazing in many ways (I’m so very aware of that) is far from being easy or as cheerful as I like to make it sound. I tend to naturally look on the bright side and be optimistic, and I’m a generally happy person, but at this point in my life, truth is I’m not deeply happy, and that’s a scary thought.
But I don’t say that on my blog, because if I’m not okay in my actual life or in my virtual life, where am I okay, eh ?
And I have to be okay somewhere, right ???
Not to sound desperate or miserable, I’m neither, I just have a lot of good and a lot of not good going on, just like anyone else !
So I’m joining late and following all the brave bloggers (many of whom are listed here) to say just a few THINGS I’M AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
I started writing my first book more than five years ago and still haven’t finished it.
It’s no big novel, it’s a children book with very little text and the content is all decided, I just need to actually work on it. I have several projects that I have yet to finish, and several I want to start.
I just can’t seem to take ONE to term.
Story of my life.
I very very secretly have dreams of being a good actress, although speaking in public freaks me out and I would never dare or take myself seriously enough to actually try to act. And I don’t really want to, I just secretly think I could.
I’ve never told ANYONE that.
I always make up conversations between a fictional me and other fictional characters in my head, most times in really dramatical situations, and most times in english.
I waste food. I buy veggies and let them rot in the fridge and throw them away. I know.
I cannot wait to be pregnant and have children (in a few years and when the time is right) even though I couldn’t be further away from that dream in my current life state. And that worries me and scares me, because I have a really hard time moving forward in life and everyone around me is.
There are things I’m too afraid to tell you to tell you, so I won’t, even in this post, and it makes me feel like a bit of a coward.
I feel lonely.
On Friday I baked these cookies and they made a very pretty blog post, but I ate all of them by myself between Friday night and Saturday morning, and it didn’t feel good.
I feel stupid writing this post as if I had tones of readers out there, when I know the first ones to read this are gonna be my brother and my friends, and a few lovely followers that I sometimes doubt are out there.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll get cancer, because there have been so many in my family already.
I spend more time dreaming about the life I could have rather than trying to have the life I wanna live. (does that sentence make sense…?)
I feel self-conscious about my weight at all times.
I’ve been trying to lose weight for years but I’m too much of a compulsive eater and I compensate with food.
Occasionally, I feel like a bit of a failure because all my friends take amazing pictures, and I’m the one who went to photography school.
My apartment is not that light, it’s called exposure :)
Have a beautiful sunday !
And I just want to say I’m gonna try and be more active and bring more original content on here, because I really like having this space to gather things I love, and I hope I can share it with more people in the future.